How To Move an NBA Franchise in 13 Easy Steps

By Blaidd Drwg

The NBA has a “relocation committee” headed by he-who-must-not-be-named-in-Seattle. In honor of the NBA, in its infinite wisdom, “allowing” the Sacramento Kings to stay in Sacramento for one more season before a decision is made on allowing them to move to Anaheim, I present you with how to move an NBA franchise in 13 easy steps:

1. Own a team in a smaller market like Seattle, Vancouver, Charlotte or Sacramento.
2. Build that team into a successful contender with a strong and loyal fan base (or buy a franchise already in that state in one of the smaller markets).
3. Start complaining about how your 20 year old arena, which had been good enough up to that point an provides your team with a great home court advantage, is no longer good enough because you don’t have 100 luxury boxes despite selling out all of your games and that you don’t get all of the revenue from the stadium that was built with money other than your own.
4. To prove your point, stop investing in quality player, causing the team to stop winning and people to stop coming to the games. In addition – keep the GM that has run your team into the cellar of the league and fire your coach (who can’t win with the player you are drafting) 3 or 4 times in the process (thanks to Lloyd for pointing out the omission)
5. As the attendance drops, start publically saying that you can’t compete since the outdated arena isn’t drawing fans and that the cure for that is a shiny new arena, built with public money of course, which the team gets all of the revenues from.
6. Lobby the state legislature, which is trying to cut budget deficits, to raise taxes on the local population to fund the stadium. Pepper them with promises of increased tax revenues, new jobs and more money pumped into the local economy, even though there is no evidence that any of those things come from a new stadium.
7. Wait for the legislature to vote. If they pass it, hold a big ceremony to celebrate your victory (although I would refrain from lighting the ceremonial cigars with $100 bills in public). Donate a few of the nosebleed seats (you know, the ones that are about 2 miles up behind the beams that you probably couldn’t sell anyway) to local underprivileged kids a year to show how you are “giving back to the community”. If you are successful in getting the stadium, go back to step one in 10 years, otherwise:
8. If they fail to pass the funding, let the team sink further, drawing less people and continue to point out the need for a new stadium and how the old stadium is completely ruining the franchise. Go back to the legislature with that.
9. If they still won’t give you a stadium,  start finding other smaller markets without an NBA franchise and let them know you would be happy to move your team to that city and make them a major league city if they give you a shiny new stadium with 100 luxury boxes and all of the revenue build by public money. Good candidates for this are San Diego, Las Vegas, Memphis, Oklahoma City, New Orleans and Kansas City. This is plan B.
10. Use the aforementioned deal to try to hold your current state’s legislature hostage – meanwhile stocking up on young talent that will make you competitive in 2 -3 years.
11. If your current state’s legislature still won’t budge, start packing up the moving vans and take up city B on their offer, saying how much you regret having to move the team and how you feel bad for the people of your original city, but it is a business.
12. Move into city B’s shiny new building with your suddenly competitive team and talk about how happy you are to be there.
13. Lather, rinse, repeat.